MetLifeAs we get older, most of us become more aware that we will someday lose our parents. But no one is ever fully prepared for the death of a parent. The death of a parent is always a major loss, whether it occurs suddenly or after a long illness. Your feelings of grief and pain may be very intense even if you didn’t have a close relationship or hadn’t seen each other in a long time. And your feelings may be especially complex if your loss means you have now lost both your mother and father. The first step toward healing is allowing yourself to grieve for the person you lost.
Why losing a parent is different from other losses
The death of a parent is different from other losses. “Adults expect their parents to precede them in death, yet still the loss is jolting,” the sociologist Debra Umberson says in Death of a Parent: Transition to a New Adult Identity. “Very few people who have not lost a parent anticipate the impact of this experience.” When a parent dies, you may feel that you have lost many things, including:
An unconditional love. At its best, the love of a parent for a child has no strings attached. Even if the two of you had many disagreements, you may have known that your mother or father would always love you.
A part of your childhood. No one shared your childhood in exactly the same way that your mother or father did. When you lose a parent, you lose someone who knows you in a unique way.
A feeling of security. A vital part of every parent’s job is to make a child feel safe. You may have outgrown the need for your mother or father to keep you physically safe, but your parent may still have made you feel emotionally safe.
A beloved friend. Our relationship with our parents changes as we get older. We may begin to see a mother or father as a beloved friend instead of an all-knowing authority figure, and the loss of that parent can be especially painful if you were just beginning to develop this kind of relationship.
A feeling of being understood. Your parents knew you before anyone else, and they probably knew things about you that no one else did. They also loved you in a unique way. So when a parent dies, you may feel that a part of you has died, too.
Your child’s grandparent. Grandparents play a unique role in children’s lives because they are a link between the past and present. If you have children, when a parent dies you lose someone who provided continuity between generations.
More than any other kind of loss, the death of a parent can affect our feelings about getting older. When our parents are alive, we think of them as “the older generation.” When you lose a parent, and especially if you have lost both of your parents, you may feel you have become “the older generation.” This may raise new questions or concerns about your own mortality.
How you may feel
Grief is highly personal and can take many forms. No two people process a loss in the same way.
All of the following reactions are normal after a parent dies:
Numbness and disbelief. At first, you may find it hard to accept the loss of your parent or imagine life without a person who has known you longer than anyone else. You may talk about your mother as though she were still alive. These feelings are natural because your parent is alive in your heart and memories.
Anger. Even if you had accepted that you would lose your parent someday, you may feel angry about how or when the death occurred. You may focus on an aspect that seems unfair, such as that a parent didn’t live to see a child graduate or get married. Or, you may feel angry with your parent for not taking better care of his or her health.
Guilt. If you were your parent’s caregiver, you may blame yourself for the loss even if you know you did everything you could. If you weren’t the caregiver, you may wonder if you could have prevented the death if you’d been more involved. You may keep thinking about the “what ifs” and the things you didn’t do. You may also feel guilty if there were unresolved issues between you and your parent.
Depression. At some point, everyone who loses a parent begins to feel the full impact of that loss. When you accept that you couldn’t save your parent’s life and that you can’t bring your parent back to life, you may experience a clearer sense of what it might mean to live without your parent. When this happens, many people feel extremely sad and allow themselves for the first time to cry or to reveal their deepest emotions to friends or relatives. Painful as it is, this process can be the beginning of a healing that will help you move forward.
Relief. If your parent endured a difficult or prolonged illness, you may feel a sense of relief along with your sadness. This may be especially true if you were your parent’s caregiver. Some people feel guilty that they are relieved, but it can be a natural response after living with uncertainty and continual stress. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love your parent, but reflects relief at knowing your parent is no longer suffering.
Acceptance and peace. Eventually you will be able to accept that your parent will always be with you emotionally even though he or she is no longer with you physically. At this point, you may begin to think about creating a permanent way for you and others to remember your parent, such as planting a tree in her memory, creating a scrapbook, or sharing memories with people about the loss.
Ways to cope with the pain of losing a parent
When a parent dies, you may feel you have lost many precious things.
Know that your grief will ease. It may help to remember that you won’t always feel as you do now and to focus on getting through the next day or hour, instead of the next month or year.
It isn’t disloyal to your mother or father to take care of your own needs—it’s what your parent would want you to do.
Remember that your feelings are important, too. If you have children, you may think first about how you can help them deal with the loss of a grandparent. But your feelings are important, too, and it’s essential to let yourself feel all the emotions caused by your loss. Consider setting aside some time to go for a walk or have coffee with a close friend. Sharing your own feelings will help you give your children the help they need.
Think about what your parent taught you that could help now. Most of us learned things from our parents about dealing with difficult times. Think about whether some of their ways of coping might have benefits for you, too. This may help you get through the days ahead while honoring your parent in a private way.
Rely on your faith community. After the death of a parent, you may find yourself questioning or rethinking the meaning of life. You may find comfort in talking to a spiritual leader or friends who share your faith. Let those people know if you have specific needs, such as help with cleaning out a parent’s home. They may be able to offer both practical support and emotional or spiritual comfort.
Spend time with people who cared about your parent. A parent’s death is too big a loss to cope with alone, and the people who loved your parent may appreciate best what you have lost. Let them know how you feel. Share memories, and say “Mom,” “Dad,” or the word you used for your parent. Be honest about what you need, such as a shoulder to cry on or short check-in calls.
Contact organizations that were important to your parent. A good way to keep in touch with people who knew your parent is to reach out to organizations your mother or father had joined. Send a brief note or an email message to those groups to let them know about the death if you don’t feel comfortable calling. Members may have memories to share that may be of great comfort to you.
Share only what you feel comfortable sharing. After the loss of a parent, many people find it upsetting to hear comments such as, “At least he didn’t suffer” or “At least she got to see her first grandchild,” because these things may not help diminish the pain. You might come up with a simple response you could make if you hear comments or questions you would prefer not to answer in detail, such as, “We’re grateful that he didn’t suffer, but this is a very sad time for our family.” Remember that no one has a “right” to know the details of your loss.
Realize that the death of a parent may affect your relationships with your siblings. The death of a parent can have a deep effect on relations between siblings. There may be tensions over inheritances, funeral arrangements, or end-of-life care. In some families, a parent acts as a buffer between siblings, and tensions rise after the person dies. In others, the loss of a parent brings siblings closer together by making them realize how much they mean to each other. Accept that some changes are normal, but get advice from a therapist or another counselor if strong feelings are affecting your relationship with your siblings.
Take care of yourself. Paying attention to your physical and emotional needs will help you find strength in the days ahead. Talk with your doctor if you are losing weight, if you can’t sleep, or if your grief is affecting your physical or emotional health. Avoid trying to cope by using alcohol or drugs. This kind of unhealthy coping can add to depressed feelings and interfere with healing.
If you are employed, find out about your company’s policies about bereavement leave or personal leave. You might let your manager know if the death involves any special circumstances that may affect your work — for example, if you’ll need to travel to attend the funeral or help settle an estate. Your manager may have ideas that could make the coming weeks easier for you.
Honor your parent’s memory. You might plant a tree, create a scrapbook and email it to family and friends, donate to a cause your parent supported, or write a poem you can share with people who also loved your parent. You can create a permanent online memorial on websites such as Legacy (www.legacy.com) and Forever Missed (www.forevermissed.com). Or you might create a Facebook page on which people can post memories of your parent.
Consider joining a support group. It may help to talk with other people who have lost a parent, and one way to find them is to join a support group. Some groups meet regularly and others communicate online or through email. You can find online support groups through GriefNet (www.griefnet.org) or by searching online for “grief support” or “bereavement support.”
Read about grief. Many books, articles, and websites can help you feel less alone. One helpful book is Therese Rando’s How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies. Another is Debra Umberson’s Death of a Parent, based on award-winning research supported in part by the National Institute on Aging. Umberson’s book includes chapters on how the death of a parent may affect your relationship with your partner, with your children, and with a surviving parent.
Get help if your grief is prolonged or is interfering with your life. A parent’s death affects everyone in the family. Talk with a professional if your pain doesn’t ease with time or is affecting your work or relationships. A family therapist or another counselor can help you and your relatives find resources and support. Your employee assistance program (EAP) can also help.
Above all, be patient with yourself. Trust your instincts about when to give your parent’s clothes to a charity shop or go through old photo albums.
If you need practical or emotional support, ask for it.
Many people can help you cope with the loss of a parent. By drawing on your own strengths and the support of others, you will begin to move forward again while also keeping alive the memory of what you loved and valued most about your parent.
