MetLifeThe death of a son or daughter is a loss unlike any other. Whether your child was an infant or an adult or died suddenly or after a long illness, you may feel that your pain will never end. This feeling is natural because your pain is a sign of how precious your son or daughter was to you.
By allowing yourself to grieve for your child, you enable the healing process to begin. It may also help to talk about your feelings with others and to create a lasting tribute to your son or daughter that allows you to express what you will always love and cherish about your child.
Why losing a child is different from other losses
Losing a son or daughter is different from other losses. When you lose a child, you may feel that you have lost:
- A part of yourself. Losing a son or daughter may feel like losing a piece of yourself. Your child is a reflection of all the love, time, and history you shared.
- A unique form of love. The love of parent for a child is like no other.
- A sense of security or confidence. All parents want to protect their children from harm, and the loss of a child is a reminder that this is sometimes impossible.
- A belief in the fairness of life. Because parents expect their children to outlive them, the loss of a child may affect your view of life. You may question beliefs that you have held for a long time, such as a faith in God or doctors.
- A vision for the future. As a parent, you may have looked forward to sharing many events with your son or daughter as both of you got older. The loss of a child takes away the possibility of realizing those hopes and dreams.
These reactions may occur soon after the loss of a child, or they may occur much later. Acknowledging your feelings will help you cope with them and, if needed, find safe places to talk about them with people who want to help.
How you may feel
Grief is a natural and normal response to the loss of a loved one. There is no timeline, nor is there a “right” way to grieve. Some people may grieve for months, others may take a year or longer to begin to recover from the initial feelings of loss. In some ways, the sadness never stops, but the intensity of the pain does lessen over time.
When you grieve, your feelings may include the following:
Numbness or disbelief. At first, you may find it very difficult to accept that your child has died or won’t recover from an illness. You may think, “It can’t be true” or “There must be some mistake.” Temporary emotional numbness can be a way of putting difficult feelings “on hold” until you feel ready to deal with them.
Anger. It’s natural to wonder if the loss of a child is somebody’s fault. As you look for answers, you may feel angry with yourself, with doctors, with military leaders, or even with your child. If you are religious, you may also feel angry with God for “taking” your child from you.
Guilt. As a parent, you may feel responsible for what happened, even if your child was an adult who had lived away from home for years. You may keep thinking about the “what ifs” and the things you didn’t do.
Deep sadness. Your sadness may become more intense once you realize what it will mean to go through life without your child. This realization can be the beginning of a process that will enable you to begin to move forward again.
Acceptance. Your child may no longer be with you physically, but he or she will always be with you emotionally. And this knowledge will eventually help you accept that your child won’t return. You may still feel very sad and miss your son or daughter every day, but you’ll be able to think about beginning a new life that may include finding a special way to honor your child.
Ways to cope with the grief and pain
Trust that the pain will ease. In the first weeks after losing a child, your pain may be so intense that you may not believe that it will ever go away. At these times, it may help to remind yourself that you won’t always feel as you do and to focus on ways to get through the next day or even the next hour, not the next year. Keep in mind that it is not disloyal to your child to go on with your life.
Anticipate significant events. Intense feelings may arise at certain times, such as on your child’s birthday, on Mother’s or Father’s Day, or during holidays and family gatherings. Consider finding ways to acknowledge such times, and prepare ahead. For instance, you might set aside a special time that day to look at pictures and talk about your child’s life.
Allow yourself to feel. As you move through your grief, allow yourself to feel your full range of emotions. If you brush aside painful emotions, your feelings may stay buried and come out later. If some feelings are too difficult to express right now, consider writing about them in a poem, a diary, or a letter to your child.
Contact your faith community. When you’ve lost a child, you may find yourself rethinking or reexamining the meaning of life. Talking with a spiritual leader or friends who share your faith may offer you some solace.
Keep in touch with others, especially those who knew and loved your child. The loss of a child is too profound to cope with alone, and the people who loved your child may be able to understand what you have lost. Let them know how you are feeling. Share memories and use your child’s name. Be honest about what you need, such as a shoulder to cry on or regular check-in calls.
Share only what you feel comfortable sharing with others. Many people may ask questions about your child that you don’t want to answer. Keep in mind that no one has a “right” to know all the details of what happened. Consider working out a brief response to questions from people who have read a death notice in the newspaper or heard about your loss from others.
Allow your partner to grieve in his or her own way. Be understanding if your partner shows less emotion than you do or wants to return to some activities before you feel ready. It doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love your child as much as you do. How people grieve depends on a variety of factors, including their personality, temperament, and earlier losses.
Pay attention to the feelings of any other children you have. Don’t hide your feelings, but acknowledge your grief and your child’s grief. Help your child understand the grieving process, and let your child know it’s OK to cry or feel sad. Children sometimes feel responsible for a sibling’s death and may need reassurance. Make an extra effort to spend more time with your child, listen to his concerns, and reassure him that you will always love him. Talk about your child’s deceased sibling. Tell teachers and other important adults what happened so that they can support your efforts to help your child.
Take care of yourself. After the loss of a child, you may find it hard to eat, sleep, or keep up your exercise routines. But taking care of yourself will help you maintain the strength you need for the days ahead. Talk with your doctor if you are losing weight, can’t sleep, or if your grief is affecting your health. Avoid using alcohol or drugs to cope. This kind of unhealthy coping can contribute to depressed feelings and interfere with your grieving process.
Realize that you may need more time to adjust if your child has died suddenly. When a child develops a serious illness, parents may have time to begin to prepare emotionally for their loss. They may also find some comfort in being able to say goodbye to their child or to fill their child’s last days with as much love and joy as possible. Parents don’t have those opportunities when a child dies suddenly because of an accident or other unforeseen event. It may take you longer to adjust if the loss of your child was totally unexpected.
Honor your child’s memory. Many parents find it helpful to create an enduring way to honor their child. Include your other children in deciding what to do. You might plant a tree, create a scrapbook, or give money to a worthy cause.
Let yourself grieve for an adult child as much as for a young one. When you lose an adult child, people may say that you should be “grateful” that you had your son or daughter as long as you did. But even if you are grateful, you may grieve as much for an adult child as for a younger one. And others may focus on comforting the surviving spouse and children when your feelings are important, too. Let people know what you need so that they can support you, too.
Be your own guide. Don’t rush into making decisions. Know for yourself when it is right for you to go through your child’s room or give away her toys. Eventually find time to prepare how you will respond when well-meaning people ask you how many children you have.
Know whether you may take extra time off from work. Your employer may have a policy that allows you to take extra time off from work when you lose a close family member. Or you may qualify for up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave under the federal Family and Medical Leave Act. Ask your manager or human resources (HR) representative about your options if you don’t feel ready to return to work.
Get help if you feel unable to cope. Talk with a professional if your pain doesn’t ease with time or is affecting your work or relationships. A therapist or other counselor can help you and your family cope.
Finding support after losing a son or daughter
National organizations
The Compassionate Friends has more than 650 chapters and a toll-free hotline (877-969-0010) for parents who have lost a child for any reason. It also has online support groups, including groups for parents who have lost a child to suicide. Or try Bereaved Parents of the USA, which has a newsletter and chapters in more than 30 states. GriefNet is also helpful. It has more than 50 email support groups for families.
Community-based support groups.
Your community may have support groups for parents who have lost a child. Search online for them or check the calendar of events in your newspaper or on its website.
Individual or family counseling
If you or others in your family are having trouble accepting the loss, you may want to talk with an individual or family therapist. Ask a doctor or clergy member for a referral. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy has additional information.
Over time, you will build a new life without your child while holding your son or daughter in your heart forever.
