Coping with the Death of a Partner or Spouse

Dealing with grief and changes after the loss of a partner or spouse

The death of a partner or spouse can be one of the most painful events a person ever experiences. The loss of your spouse can mean the loss of your partner, lover, best friend, confidant, and the parent of your children. In addition to dealing with the loss emotionally, a surviving partner or spouse often faces major life changes that can be stressful. Coping with the loss of your partner or spouse involves working through the emotional grief while adjusting to new circumstances. 

What to expect

Everyone grieves differently, but there are some normal and common emotional reactions. You may experience some or all of the following: 
 

• Shock or disbelief. The loss of a partner or spouse can be extremely hard to accept emotionally, especially right after the death. At first, you may feel numb or have thoughts like, “This isn’t possible” or “There has been some kind of mistake.” Thinking that something horrible isn’t true sometimes allows a little more time to absorb an unwelcome reality, especially if the loss is unexpected.
• Anger. It’s normal to feel angry. You may feel angry with doctors who didn’t save the person you loved. You may even feel angry with your partner or spouse for leaving you. It’s perfectly understandable to want to try to fault someone for the loss. It’s also understandable to wish it could have been prevented.
• “If onlys.” Some people try to bargain or negotiate no matter how unrealistic such thoughts may be. Sometimes this is referred to as the “if onlys.” For example, you may think that if only the doctor or you had done something differently, your partner or spouse might have survived.
• Sadness. Many people feel deep sadness when the full weight of what has happened sinks in, and they begin to understand what it will mean to go through life without a beloved companion. You may feel very sad or even guilty about things you wish you had done differently in your relationship.
• Acceptance. Over time you will accept your loss and begin to adjust to the new chapter in your life. Memories start to make you smile instead of break into tears. You might even experience a sense of peace that comes with acceptance.

All of these feelings are natural, but there’s no set process for grief. You may have more than one of these emotions at the same time, or they may return just when you thought the pain had eased. There isn’t a timetable for starting to feel better after a spouse or partner’s death. The pain usually lessens over time but may never go away completely. It may resurface on holidays, on your anniversary, or when you visit a special place. If this happens, a counselor or therapist can help you to work through this difficult process. 

Changes

One of the hardest parts of losing a spouse or partner is learning to live with the changes it brings. The transition from being part of a couple to being single can be painful. You are facing a new set of problems alone instead of with your spouse. If you anticipated the loss, you may already have some plans in place. If the death of your spouse or partner was sudden and unexpected, it might be a while before you become aware of all of the changes that will take place. 

It can be frightening when you don’t know what to expect or your circumstances suddenly change. You may experience: 
 

• Financial changes. Depending on your financial situation, you may have to rework your budget to make ends meet, consider moving to a new home, or start to work full or part time if you didn’t before. Evaluate your entire financial situation as well as your emotional state before making any big changes. Talk with a trusted financial adviser or planner to map out necessary adjustments.
• New location. Some surviving partners and spouses relocate to take a new job, to be closer to family, or to live in a home that is more affordable or easier to maintain. Many experts suggest that you try to put off big changes, such as a move, until you’ve adjusted to your new situation. If you decide to move, ask friends and relatives for the type of help you need, such as help with finding a new place or setting up a new computer system.
• Learning new skills. It can be overwhelming and confusing to try to take care of everything your spouse or partner handled. You may have to learn to cook, mow the lawn, make repairs, care for children, balance the checkbook, or cope with a computer breakdown. Accept or ask for help as you start to handle things on your own.
• Redefining yourself. You are used to being the most important person in your spouse’s life, to living a certain way, and to sharing favorite activities with your partner. Now your identity is changing. You may establish new goals, values, and priorities. It is normal to start questioning who you are or what you enjoy in addition to what you used to do because of your spouse’s interests.
• Social changes. Some of your relationships may have been based on being part of a couple. The friends you socialized with as a couple may feel awkward around you as an individual or they might feel awkward because they don’t know what to say about your partner’s or spouse’s death. Try to focus on relationships that remain supportive. You might even establish a new friendship with someone who has had a similar experience.
• Parenting changes. If you have young children, you are now a single parent. Lean on your support network as you make this difficult transition. Consider joining a single-parent support group. Other parents may be able give you ideas and advice on everything from finding backup child care in your area to discipline.

As you begin to piece together a new life, avoid making big changes too fast, such as moving to a new community, where you may at first have fewer friends. Take your time when making major decisions. And get help from friends and family when you need it, especially if you need to make some decisions right away. 

Tips on coping

There’s no “right way” to grieve. Each person experiences loss differently and copes in his or her own way. Here are some ideas that can help you cope with your loss: 
 

• Allow yourself to hurt. Acknowledge your grief. Let yourself cry if you feel like it. Crying is a healthy way to release emotion and to relieve tension. It can also help you work through your pain. There are no shortcuts — the only way through your grief is to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions at a pace that feels right to you.
• Lean on the people you love and who love you. Grief is often easier to bear when shared. Talk with close friends or relatives about how you feel, about your favorite memories of your spouse, and about what you will miss most. Surround yourself with compassionate people who allow you to grieve in your own way. Avoid confiding in people who try to provide quick fixes for your grief or who say things such as, “Just get over it” or “You’ll marry again.” Spend time with people who are supportive and helpful.
• Ask for help when you need it. Your friends and family members want to help but may feel unsure of what they can do. Let them know what you need, whether you just need someone to listen or you need help with preparing a meal when you lack the energy to do it yourself. If you have adult children, accept their offers to help. Stay in touch by phone and email. If your children or other close relatives live nearby, enjoy sharing meals, going for walks, or simply spending an afternoon together.
• Move on at your own pace. Some people may urge you to put your partner’s or spouse’s belongings away or to remove your wedding band. Do these things when you are ready, not when someone thinks you should. Take your time and move through your grief in a way that feels right for you.
• Consider your spirituality. You may find it comforting to talk with a clergy member or a friend who shares your faith and has similar ideas about the role of spirituality in your life right now.
• Express yourself. Many people find it helpful to write about their feelings in a journal. This can be as effective as talking about them. Write a letter to your spouse to express the things you never shared but wish you had. Tell your spouse how much he or she means to you or what you would do differently if you had the chance. This is a great way to express things left unsaid, especially if you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. You may also be able to release pent-up emotions through art or music.
• Take care of yourself. Continue to eat healthy meals and to get enough sleep. Try to exercise regularly, even when you don’t feel like it. Take a brief walk outside every day. Fresh air, sunlight, and nature can be very calming during a difficult time.
• Prepare for holidays and special events. Even though your grief will lessen, it may resurface on special occasions and at other times. Talk with family members about how traditions might change now that your spouse is gone. You might decide to hold a holiday meal at someone else’s home or make a toast in memory of your spouse.
• Avoid unhealthy coping strategies. Alcohol and drugs may seem to help at first, but they may increase depressed feelings or mask the grief and delay the healing.
• Cherish your memories of your partner or spouse. If you enjoyed certain places together, make a photo album or scrapbook of them. If he loved roses, plant a rose bush in his honor. Memorialize your partner by donating a bench to his favorite park or by starting a scholarship fund in his name if he valued education. Support an organization that was important to him. These actions can help you feel that your partner’s memory will live on and will remind you that his life had meaning.
• Talk with a counselor or therapist. A counselor or therapist, especially one trained in grief and loss, can provide additional support and can help you to gain a sense of control and to work through your feelings of grief. An experienced professional can also help you to deal with any unresolved issues you may have had in your relationship with your spouse.
• Attend a support group. A group can provide emotional support and can help you understand what to expect after your loss. And members help you see that you are not alone. They will truly understand and sympathize because they have had a similar loss. Counselors, spiritual leaders, or health care providers in your area might be able to locate a support group near you. If you aren’t ready to start meeting new people, consider joining one of the online support groups at GriefNet.org (http://griefnet.org).

If you have young children

If you have young children, you will need to help them grieve while you are facing the difficult task yourself. Here are some tips: 
 

• Encourage your child to talk about her feelings. Listen to your child and be supportive. Help her to match words to feelings. Answer any questions she might have. Your child may have a lot of questions now, and she may have even more later as she begins to understand death better. Be careful not to overwhelm her with excessive detail, but give simple, basic answers. Be honest and use words that she is able to understand.
• Don’t hide your sadness. By talking about how you feel, you show your child that it is OK to express his feelings. But be careful not to vent frustration to him or overburden him with your sadness. Talk with an adult friend or relative when you need to lean on someone.
• Try to maintain a routine. Routines are very comforting for both children and adults. Maintaining yours can help your child to feel secure when many things are changing. Continue to eat dinner together, and follow the same bedtime routine and general schedule you had before your spouse’s death. If you need help driving your child places, cooking dinner, or with anything else, ask a close friend or relative to lend a hand.
• Let your child’s teachers or caregivers know what has happened. They can watch for signs that your child needs help coping and provide extra support.
• Show your child that you are still there to take care of her. After losing one parent, your child may fear losing you. Spend time with your child and provide reassurance. Younger children may need extra cuddling from you to feel secure.
• Understand that children have unique ways of grieving. Older children may retreat or not want to talk about their parent because it’s too painful. Younger children may not fully understand what has happened or need extra love and support. Children can experience the same stages of grief as adults, so watch your child carefully to see what he needs from you and others right now and in the future. You may also want to consider getting professional help for your child. Losing a parent can be a traumatic event for a child of any age. A professional counselor or therapist can help your child learn ways to cope with this enormous loss.

Looking forward

You will probably never stop missing your spouse or partner, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t go on to live a fulfilling life. It may seem hard to believe at first, but someday you will be able to tell someone else that there is hope, that he or she will survive, and that life does go on. To learn more, search for “Mourning the Death of a Spouse” on the website for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Service’s National Institute on Aging (http://www.nia.nih.gov).