MetLifeGrief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the author of numerous books, including Grief One Day at a Time: 365 Meditations to Help You Heal After Loss, offers guidance for those going through a death, divorce, illness, or other painful life event.
Music by The Cabin Project.
Transcript
Host: “Grief,” says Dr. Alan Wolfelt, “is the instinctive human response to loss.” I’m Marianne Jacobbi. Welcome to our monthly podcast. Our guest, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, is a death educator, a grief counsellor, and director of the Centre for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins. He’s the author of numerous books—on losing a soulmate, healing after a job loss, helping children cope with grief. His most recent book is Grief One Day at a Time. He’s joining us from Colorado. Dr. Wolfelt, thank you for being here.
Alan Wolfelt: Thank you for having me. It’s an honour to be with you today.
Host: You’ve identified six needs we all have when someone dies. Could you describe those?
Alan Wolfelt: Yes. Well obviously each of our grief is unique. There’s what I call some yield signs that all of us as human beings across all age groups and across all cultures really are served well by being aware of. And what those needs are are: One, that they need to dose ourselves in acknowledging a new reality. That somebody who has been alive and living has now died. So one of the central needs of mourning is why we retell the story. We move from our head to heart and we acknowledge that new reality that somebody was alive and living has died.
Secondly, it’s to befriend or learn that we’re going to hurt. It’s to befriend the pain of the loss is how I formally talk and write about it. It’s that, you know, when you have a loss, you’re affected physically, you’re affected cognitively, emotionally, socially, spiritually and you’ll have signals or symptoms that reflect that you’re in pain and many people think they’re going crazy when in fact they just need to better understand that’s how our bodies, our minds, and our spirits react.
Third need is to honour the relationship we’ve had by shifting it from present to memory. Oh, there’s a famous line, you know, death ends a life not a relationship, and that’s so true. We still have the need to continue to go backward and remember the people and how we are part who we are because we knew them.
Fourth need is to develop a new self-identity. We all know who we are because we have mirrors in our life. I’m a father. I’m a husband. I’m a son. So when somebody in our life dies, we have what’s called identity diffusion. Fancy word meaning that I’ve lost this mirror. I don’t feel the same as I did before and I’ve got to figure out who I’m going to be without somebody to help me know who I was, and that’s hard and it’s naturally very slow.
The fifth need is to search for meaning. When somebody in our life dies that’s brought meaning, you kind of lose your divine spark, that which gives your life meaning and purpose and so you have to have people around you to support that search. And I call that in my writings the need to search for meaning.
And then another need that’s critically important is to have ongoing support long after the event of the death. Mourning requires convalescence and that by its nature means it’s slow. It’s not linear. It’s not something we do quickly and efficiently, so we’re going to need support in the months and years ahead as we continue to mourn those who go before us.
Host: It sounds like a lot of these could apply not only to the death of someone we love but also to other kinds of loss.
Alan Wolfelt: Very much so. Many times when we have a loss, be it a death, divorce, job loss, life threatening diagnosis, we come to grief, and grief is our thoughts and feelings inside. But how we integrate loss into our life is through active mourning. Mourning is the shared response, grief gone public. I often say, “Grief is the noun. Mourning is the verb.”
Host: When we’re faced with a loss, are there practical things or action steps we can take that help in the healing process?
Alan Wolfelt: Well yeah if I think in a broad sense: One, allow yourself to mourn. That’s what many people don’t because they live in a mourning avoidant culture where people tell them, Carry on. Keep your chin up. Be strong. When in fact you have to surrender to what it is you’re experiencing. “The only way to the other side is through,” a famous Helen Keller quote. Many people get themselves in trouble when they have loss or transition by trying to be strong, when in fact it’s the opposite that ultimately helps you is surrendering to something that’s more powerful than you.
Secondly is, realise your grief is unique. We don’t want to overgeneralise and assume you’re going to mourn like other people that are affected by a loss or grief.
Three. Expect to have a multitude of responses. You’ll have some physical signals that you have some special needs. You’ll have some cognitive signals, like short-term memory loss and inability to stay focused. You’ll certainly be on an emotional rollercoaster with a multitude of emotions. And then certainly there’s often spiritual pain. Why should I go on living? Is my life going to have any meaning and purpose beyond this?
So be tolerant of your limitations and learn how to do good self-care. And while you’re doing that, part of essential self-care is, you know, knowing the people that can support you. I always say, When you have a loss, you can split people in thirds. A third of people are neutral. They don’t necessarily hurt you or help you. Another third, they’ll make you feel worse after you’re around than you felt before. But there’s thank goodness the helpful third. And if you can identify those people and spend more time with them and set some boundaries with other people that are trying to take your grief away from you, that’s ultimately going to be helpful to you. I also am obviously a big advocate of using ceremony. Words our often inadequate when you go through life transitions of any kind, so that’s why we need to honour those rites of passage with ceremony that helps you know what to do when you don’t know what to do.
And you can’t do this quickly and efficiently. Be self-compassionate. Go slow. No rewards for speed, and I’d add to that that you’re going to go forward, but you’re going to backward before you can go forward. I wrote in a recent book you needed to say “hello” on any path to goodbye, and that you were going to be in the dark before you were in the light. We need to allow you to be in the dark because that’s ultimately what allows you to find light.
Host: What are some of the best things to do to help a friend in grief?
Alan Wolfelt: Listen with your heart, not your head. Your heart is your well of reception. So it sounds simple, but all helping starts with mouth closed, ears opened, presence available. And be aware that your friend may relate some of the same story over and over because they’re trying to take something they know in their head and move it to their heart. So listen attentively each time, be patient, realise repetition is part of the healing process, and try to provide empathetic understanding without getting in their way. That goes hand in hand of course with, you know, being compassionate. Give your friend permission to express their thoughts and feelings without any fear of being criticised or that they’re not doing it right. Don’t assume you know how they feel. Avoid clichés. A lot of people through no fault of their own have kind of socially learned to say things like: “Well time heals all wounds” or “Be glad you had them as long as you did” or “You know he lived to be a certain age.” I don’t care if he lived to be 145, allow yourself to mourn when somebody dies.
Offer people practical help. Particularly early in their grief, if it’s death-related, show up if they have a funeral, which I hope they do because that’s a rite of initiation. Historically we’d always go to all the elements. You go to the visitation. You go to the funeral. You ride in the procession. You go to the committal. You go to the gathering afterwards. And now a lot of people think, Oh I’ve done my thing if I ran by and signed the registration book. People will always remember if you attend all those elements and you stay in touch with them and continue to make contact long after the event that’s triggered all this grief and mourning. Be aware of holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions in the life of that person where they’re going to be naturally missing that person even more and try to reach out to them. Don’t ignore them at those times. And being there. Being there. I can’t emphasise enough: Don’t go away, stay present. I’d rather have you put your foot in your mouth than I would to have you abandon somebody who’s going through a difficult time in their life.
Host: Your most recent book is a series of reflections for the mourner. Could you please share one of those with us?
Alan Wolfelt: Sure. As you said, it’s titled Grief One Day at a Time: 365 Meditations To Help You Heal After Loss. And if I just open the book up to any page. So here’s one for March 5th and the quote starts with Henry Nouwen who once said, “A friend who could be silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not healing, not curing, that is a friend indeed.” And then I go on to reflect on that. So I say, “On our journey through grief, we need companions who can walk alongside of us, who can listen to us without feeling the need to give us solutions, who can be present to our pain without trying to distract us or immediately soothe it away, who can bear witness to the truth of our mourning. We all know people who are not good friends in grief. . . . We will instead be well served to seek out compassionate helpers who can stay with us in our hours of grief and hold our hand.” And then I close: “If I give it thought, I could identify at least one person who could be a good friend to me in grief. I will reach out to that person and accept her companionship.”
Host: Dr. Wolfelt, this has been very, very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to talk with us today.
Alan Wolfelt: It was an honour to be asked and thank you so much and I hope your listeners find that what I’ve shared to be helpful to them in their life’s journey. Thanks so much.
Host: Our guest was Dr. Alan Wolfelt. You can find his books on amazon and on his website, www.centerforloss.com. On this website, see the helpful article Coping with Grief and Loss. Thank you for listening.
